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February 23, 2010 / milesandhisfavorites

The Barracks Files: Junkyard Job

Of all of the really bad monsters in the world that I often run into, the worst would have to be the Toxic Spawn.  “Remind me why you decided to test our new S.M.E.L.L.M.E.T.S on Toxic Spawns!” I shouted to a captain during a showdown in the Goat’s Junkyard infected zone.

Toxic Spawn

I would have been perfectly content fighting Noxious Spawns in lovely Pokey Oaks South, but NOOOO, the majority of the army decided to test new our gas masks in a putrid, oil-smelling junkyard with Fusion Matter everywhere.  Unfortunately for me, majority rules, as always.  What I wouldn’t give for some fresh air.  Anyway, we caught a lucky break when a Terrafuser burst, which could disrupt the connection between monsters and Planet Fusion.  We ran for it while all of the Toxic Spawns hurried to repair the damage.  “Next time”, I said.  “We just use Fusion Matter gas.”

We went back to the our barracks, which were located in the Peach Creek Estates infected zone, Delightful Developments.  I directed a Nano Control class, and everything was business as usual, until I got a call from a Dexbot warp gate attendant in Goat’s Junkyard.  “We have noticed that Megas has become much more entombed in Fusion Matter over the past few weeks.  We would like you to try to clean it up.”, said the robot in a nasal, but sci-fi-sounding voice.  I had no choice but to accept.  I mean, who could resist trying to free a giant robot from a Fusion Matter prison!  But when I told it to everyone else, they just groaned.

We went anyway.  The Dexbot attendant said that the Fusion Matter covering Megas head to toe had grown thicker, and that it it continued like this, the giant robot could melt away, leaving only an infected wasteland.  Lucky for us, each of us was armed with an Airbrush Blaster, which is the only thing that can clean up Fusion Matter.  The liquids seemed to counteract the alien ooze, which could, if used enough, stop a major part of the invasion.  Unfortunately, not everyone had an Airbrush Blaster.  And since so many Level 1 players arrive each day, it’s gonna be tough cleaning up the planet.  But if we freed Megas, it could give us a head-on advantage in the war.  So if we freed Megas, this could save the Earth.

I directed everyone to the giant robot.  He had a blue and yellow body, with tail fins on his shoulders.  His head was actually a car, which served as a cockpit.  Oh, and he was about 80 feet high.  This was going to be tough.  Then I realized the real problem.  There was a Terrafuser the size of a Mini Cooper on his chest.  The Fusion Matter should be traveling out from the Terrafuser.


We climbed to different levels of the sticky body.  There might have been a few small chinks in the Fusion Matter, but if there were, we didn’t see them.  After sending a small group to blast his legs, the rest of us focused on his upper body, arms and head.  Some of us climbed onto his chest, and tried to dislodge the Terrafuser.  Suddenly, I heard a quick yell.  I looked just in time to see a Level 3 player fall of of an arm.  The next thing I heard was a splash, some mechanical humming, and a really loud scream.  Then silence.  I didn’t have to look to see what happened.  The Toxic Spawns were onto us.

Then I realized something.  Using a blaster to dislodge something that was rooted onto metal wasn’t going to work, and even if it did, it was likely that the people on the Terrafuser would fall and get killed.  So I ordered the people working on the Terrafuser to step back onto the neck and hack away using melee weapons instead.  They did, and the problem was solved.  Then I saw something really weird.  It looked like a Motor Raptor, but it was missing it’s legs.  It was flying right at us!  Standing on it was a giant Bigfoot made of tires, but it had hands as big as bedside tables!  It was the extremely advanced, extremely dangerous Don Dread Head!

Then I remembered what he was riding-a Junk Jumper!  Mandark Industries had spent years trying to adapt it for any conditions!  The Don Dread Head must have gotten software plans for it when he broke out of the infected zone!  I didn’t know how he got ahold of a Motor Raptor carcass, much less turn it into a makeshift hover board.  At any rate, he was coming fast!  One second, he was as far away as the KND Treehouse is long, and the next, he was slapping scouts and cadets and captains off the work site with his giant hands.  The Toxic Spawns were crowding around.  Suddenly, I felt a huge pain in my back, and I stumbled off of Megas.  I looked up and saw the Don Dread Head cackling above (without a mouth?) on the Junk-Jumper.  I figured I had about five seconds before I did a splashdown.

Just when my nose was about a foot from the liquid Fusion Matter at Megas’s feet, I was grabbed by the back of my collar, and was swept upward, back onto the work site.  The remaining players were running around, screaming.  I had no idea what had saved me from becoming Fusion food, but it was fast.  Pretty soon, anyone who fell was back on the job.  I jumped up, and what appeared to be a Simian Minion lifted me up.  I directed it after the Don Dread Head, who had wised up to the fact that we were evening the odds, and had ran for it.  We chased him, and started to catch up, but he was getting close to his home turf, where his own army would be waiting to kill me.

At the last second I said “Bullhorn Boomstick!”, and my Airbrush Blaster retracted up to my shoulder.  The small barrel widened into the front of a megaphone, and it changed color.  A second later, I had a killer megaphone propped beside my head.  I pulled the trigger.  A bombshell the size of a football exploded from the front of the gun, and made contact with the Junk-Jumper.  It blew up, and the Don Dread Head plummeted to the ground, flailing it’s arms the whole time.  I heard a splat, then the sound of tires rolling away.

Bullhorn Boomstick

I led the remaining players to finish the job.  Megas was revived an hour later.  I revved the motor, and Megas took his first step in many years.  Some Fusion Matter remained on his legs and arms, but that was torn off when Megas slowly but steadily walked away from his liquid Fusion Matter pool, which was now shown to be about as big as a house.  The Toxic Spawns made a gurgling, humming sound that might have been screams, but it didn’t matter anyway.  They were all crushed flatter than a pancake in an atom smasher within a few seconds.  “Woo-hoo!  Yeah, all right!”, I yelled.  We were home free.  I got the hang of steering Megas, and we somehow made it across an old, rickety rope bridge that led to the Peach Creek Estates.  I set Megas down in a gorge, near the obstacle training facility.  We had freed a giant robot, smashed a few Toxic Spawns, and stopped the Don Dread Head once again.  Good day.


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