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June 25, 2010 / milesandhisfavorites

Familia Crazia: Paris, Paris Part One

(scene is dining room)

(family is eating)

Mom: I have some great news!

Miles: We’re going to see Newton’s Apple: Artifacts Of Physics at the Nerd Museum Of Scientific History?

(laugh track)

Dad: We’re going to Blobfest?

(laugh track)

Eli: We’re-nah, I don’t have a remark.

(laugh track)

Mom: We’re going to Paris!

(everyone but Mom chokes and faints)

(laugh track)

Mom: What?  Were the sausages not thoroughly cooked?

(laugh track)

(theme song)

(continue from cold open)

Mom: Well?

(everyone wakes up)

Miles: No way!  We’re going to see Galileo’s notes on astrocartograpology?

(laugh track)

Eli: We’re going to Paris, not New Bronswick to see that physics exhibit!

Miles: No, the Nerdological Institute Of Astronomy is hosting the Galileo exhibit.  The New Bronswick museum is hosting the overall physics exhibit.

(laugh track)

Eli: Either way, it’s still geeky.

(laugh track)

Mom: Let’s pack.  I’ve already made arrangements.

Dad: You guys ready?

Eli: I’ll pack my You-Can-Crepe Kit!

(laugh track)

Miles: I’ll go pack my degrees!

(laugh track)

Eli: How can you control the temperature?

(laugh track)

Miles: Not those kinds of degrees!  The Nerdological Institute’s degrees!  I’ve got one in Atomic Research, one in Astronomical Studies, one in Subzero Weather Experiments, one in…

Eli: Yeah, we know, you’ve had a hard life.

(laugh track)

Mom: Let’s get ready!

(scene is airplane)

(family is in cargo hold)

(laugh track)

Miles: When you said flight to Paris, cargo holds don’t come to mind!

Mom: Would you have preferred the air sickness bag storage unit?

(laugh track)

Miles: What a nice place to be in for-

(checks watch)

Miles: -ten hours.

(laugh track)

Dad: Well, we can make the most of it.  One million bottles of beer…

(laugh track)

Miles: Why do I have a feeling that he’ll be close to half a million when we land?

(laugh track)

Mom: Let’s cook something!

Eli: Crepes!

Mom: Sounds good!  Do you have your kit?

Eli: Sure!  I made sure to pack it!

Mom: Okay, then.  Let’s get started!

Miles: Well, then, I guess I can work on my Icthyology thesis until we land!

(laugh track)

(plane lands)

Dad: Forty-two…

(Dad falls asleep)

(laugh track)

Mom (dully): And so ends the long and amazing process of crepe making.

(laugh track)

Eli: Have we landed yet?

Miles (cheerfully while writing): But if we can harness the rare Back-Watered Green Trout’s ability to eject ink much like mollusks, we can effectively study the even rarer Musk Squid!

(laugh track)

(everyone exits plane)

Dad: Which way to our hotel?

Mom: Do you want me to say Cheerful Lane or Grungy Alley?

Everyone Else: Take a guess.

(laugh track)

Mom: Grungy Alley.

(laugh track)

(cutscene to next morning)

(family walks out of old hotel)

Eli: That was the worst night of my life.

Dad: Ditto.

(laugh track)

Miles: Was that a cockroach or a komodo dragon?

(laugh track)

Mom: Couldn’t tell.  But luckily  I have a fun day planned!  We’ll start by visiting Miles’s Nerdological Institute.

(everyone but Miles groans)

(laugh track)

Miles: Hey!

Mom: Then after a few hours, we’ll visit the Gustave Eiffel Museum Of French Structures.  Finally, we’ll end the day by scaling the Eiffel Tower!

(laugh track)

Everyone But Mom: Say what?

Mom: What?  You don’t like cobblestone patterns?

(laugh track)

Miles: No, the Eiffel Tower bit!

Mom: So what?  It’ll be fun!  It builds teamwork and forms lifelong bonds!

Miles: Remember the last time you tried to form lifelong bonds?  Dad twisted his ankle and you nearly went madder than a hatter!

(laugh track)

Dad: It gives me cramps just thinking about it.

(laugh track)

Mom: What exhibit should we see first?

Miles: Chemicals And Moon Matter: A Close Relationship!

(laugh track)

Mom: Okay, then!  After we see that one, we can explore the See The Solar System Superbly With Alliteration exhibit!

(laugh track)

(Dad and Eli groan)

(laugh track)

(cutscene to base of Eiffel Tower, later that evening)

Eli: That… was… so… boring.

(laugh track)

Dad: I would say ditto, but it’s becoming a cliche.

(laugh track)

Mom: Do we have the climbing gear?

Miles: Check!

Mom: Energy bars?

Miles: Check!

Mom: Water bottles?

Miles: Check!

Mom: Did we miss anything?

Miles: No check there!

(laugh track)

(family begins climbing)

Mom: Isn’t this fun and suspenseful?

Dad: How about scary and death-defying?

(laugh track)

Miles: Correct.  Can we get down now?

(laugh track)

Mom: Oh, come on!  Are we bonding or what?

Eli: Unless you mean the fact that we’re tied together, no.

(laugh track)

(helicopter hovers around family)

Helicopter Pilot: Get down here right now!

Mom: No!  We’re having fun and bonding as a family!

Miles: She means of course!  Us Americans are very sarcastic!

(laugh track)

Helicopter Pilot: Hey!  I happen to be an American exchange student!

Eli: Okay, then.  ‘Sup?

(laugh track)

Helicopter Pilot: I’m serious here!  Get down or I’ll call the police!  Or poliza!  Oh, whatever!

(laugh track)

Mom: Try it!

Helicopter Pilot: Okay, then.

(Helicopter Pilot speaks rapid French into cell phone)

(second helicopter pulls up)

Miles: Well that was surprisingly fast.

(laugh track)

Police Pilot: You are now under arrest!  Put your hands up!

Miles: You just had to help us bond, didn’t you?

Mom: How was I supposed to know?

Miles: Mind the signs.

(laugh track)

Dad: It looks like we’re fugitives now.


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