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July 16, 2010 / milesandhisfavorites

Educational Universe: Time Flies When A Fairy Does It

Sesame Street was an amazing place, but I was only ten years old.  That meant that there were thirty seasons behind me, and new things came up all the time.  I had missed a lot of awesome stuff.  I was thinking about that same thing when I was taking a stroll past Hooper’s Store.  I decided to go inside to get a soda.  This place had a real legacy, going through four different owners, the current one, Alan, was out the counter serving a glass of Pepsi to a girl in a wheelchair.  “Thanks, Alan!” she said with glee.  She wheeled out, and a familiar thought struck me.  “Hey,” I said, curiously.  “Aren’t you Tar-“.  But she had already disappeared.  Just then, the whole store was filled with white smoke and the odd smell of pumpkins mixed with burnt toast.  To put it simply, Abby Cadabby had arrived.

Abby Cadabby

Both Alan and I were coughing now.  “Sorry!” Abby said, sounding very guilty.  She was just a fairy-in-training, and they all made mistakes.  For example, I remembered this one time when she tried to turn onions into tears… she got it right, but I was the one she asked to help her do it.  Another time, she tried to send me home when the Dinosaur Train broke down, and she accidentally got H and R mixed up.  Beginner’s mistake, but it took a while to get back to Lakewood.  Anyway, I didn’t like the prospect of her doing any more spells, no matter how much she needed to study.  Suddenly, I thought of something.  Last I heard, she needed someone to help her on the Kid-To-Squid Spell.  I preferred having four limbs, but if she could take me back in time, I would volunteer.  “Excuse me, Abby,” I said.  “Yes?” she replied.  “I’d be willing to help you on that new spell if you take me back in time through Sesame Street’s past.”  She willingly agreed, and she cast a spell that sounded like: This place’s past is a mystery, myrrh and thyme, through this street’s history, go back in time, and suddenly we were surrounded by a vortex of colors.

A few odd things flew by.  First came Ernie, who seemed to be running towards an opening in the vortex that led to a huge cloud with a beanstalk in the center.  Big Bird came running towards the exact same plant.  “Oh, you don’t want to go that way,” said Abby.  “Every time, that one opening changes places, and Ernie has to be found all over again.  It’s very frustrating.  We’re going back just a few seasons, to when I first appeared!”  She grabbed my hand and flew us towards what looked like an ordinary Sesame Street.  But when I looked at a newspaper machine, the date read Episode 4134, 2006!  That was the season finale of Season 37!  Just then, black smoke that smelled like rotten bananas and elephant sweat sped by, almost like it had come from an-exhaust pipe.  I looked back to see a rusty, grimy car that looked like a glorified Tin Lizzie had married a first-model Porsche and had a kid.  To put it simply, a Sloppy Jalopy.  Sloppies were the biggest thing in the Grouch racing league, Nasty Car, since Convertiblechs.  Even though Sloppy Jalopies were always blasting awful smog, I knew something was up.  When I sniffed the air, I picked up a hint of-no, couldn’t be-powdered sugar, curry and unicorn fur?

Aka, sugar, spice and everything nice?  I was smelling everything but the Chemical X.  Then, the Jalopy ground to a halt.  Oscar the Grouch and his girlfriend (also a Grouch, how else?) Grundgetta.  Turns out the Sloppy Jalopy was broken, but there was no time.  Abby recited a spell: We’ve seen enough, but we’re not done, this spell is tough, this street is fun! We zapped back into the color vortex, and found ourselves flying above the courtyard!  It was night, and I just managed to find out what episode it was.  Episode 3976, 2001!

This was the first episode in the Hurricane story arc!  “Cast the spell!  Cast the spell!” I screamed to Abby.  She chanted another spell: Marriage is a fun thing to do, so for this episode, we are through! I had a bad feeling about what “marriage” meant, but we were out of the hurricane-and into the ceremony.  We fell towards a roof, just missing Elmo in a tuxedo carrying two rings on a cushion.  “Elmo still didn’t drop them!” he said, thankfully.  Everyone else looked shocked, then welcoming.  “Why not stay?” said David.  You don’t see him around anymore, that’s for sure.  And he seemed to be asking us to stay.  The rest of the wedding guests agreed.  Even Linda signed “Stay, please”.  So we did.  It turned out to be the biggest wedding in Sesame Street history, Maria and Luis’s.  Once the minister declared them husband and wife, we all cheered, and Abby whispered a spell: I whisper so attention we do not steal, go the episode where brown fur reveal!

We landed far back in time, and before us was a crowd of people gathered around Big Bird.  Suddenly, something big, brown and furry popped into sight.  He had a trunk, but no tusks.  His huge eyelashes nearly covered all of his eyes, and Big Bird looked as excited as, well, a six-year old who had taught his family something.  In this case, that something was the fact that Mr. Snuffleupagus was NOT a figment of the giant golden condor’s imagination.  “Maybe we should just go back,” I said.  But Abby cast another spell, this one sounding like: Changing episodes would be just fine, next stop, next stop, an Alphabet Mine! Uh-oh.

“Cough!  Cough!  Eech!  Abby, why did you do this?!” I said when we landed in a pile of foul-smelling, chalky-Js?  That was odd.  But then it hit me-Alphabet Mine!  As in a place where they, in this case, dig Js!  Literally!  Just then, we saw Kermit the Frog talking to a miner.  Except when he opened his mouth to talk, I saw fangs shoot out from his lips.  The miner screamed, got in a mine car, and took off.  He didn’t get far, though.  The track broke on what looked like an endless chasm.  A giant creature that resembled Cookie Monster but with sharp knife-sized teeth rounding it’s maw leaped from the chasm and put it’s mouth in front of the missing track.  Suddenly, thick mist erupted from somewhere behind me, causing a dense fog to fill the Alphabet Mine.  “What is this, London?” I said sarcastically.  The Cookie Monster roared like the Jurassic Park T-Rex, and then sunk back into the chasm.  Kermit the Monster charged us dead-on, but I had a plan.  Abby blurted out the following spell: Monster be gone, goodbye I bid, Kermit the Monster, you’re a squid!

As soon as she said squid, Kermit the Monster turned light orange with purple blotches and grew tentacles.  He shrunk down until he looked like a ten-armed orange and purple salamander.  Then, his mouth disappeared and in it’s place grew a tiny beak.  His arms and legs vanished altogether, and he was now a two-foot long, thrashing slimy squid.  I heard a deep, rumbling voice say “Ooooh, calamari!” and then a mouth the size of Rhode Island closed around the ex-vampire.  The mouth belonged to the giant Cookie Monster.  He burped louder than a fighter jet, and went back to the chasm.  Abby cast a spell that sent us back to the present, and I was startled to see something I certainly did not expect-a pirate ship was parked in front of Hooper’s Store!

Pirates, led by a woman who looked a little like Tina Fey, were boarding the storefront!  I saw them take Elmo aboard, and then we were both nervous!  I saw a pirate who was wearing a felt name tag that said AM, cut the ropes on a lifeboat, causing it to fall to the cobblestone street.  I expected it to smash, but instead it hit the street slowly, like a boat, then rock from side to side.  I convinced Abby to summon that lifeboat, and help me row.  A few hours later, we had rowed onto a grassland, and seemed to have been rising.  “Are we making any progress?” Abby asked.  I looked down and saw an orange letter C.  “Nope.” I replied.  But just then, the pirate’s ship, The K.A. Applegate’s Revenge (huh?) passed us and headed towards a port a few miles away that looked like it was made completely of bookshelves.  A sign hanging above the dock said “Sesame Street Public Library”.  We rowed up to the pier, and climbed to the wood planks.  Downtown, I saw a fight break out.  Two people were punching and kicking each other.  One looked to be about eleven, maybe twelve.  The other was in his twenties.  The older guy had dark skin and was wearing bulky pirate gear, and it was falling due to the fact that he was kinda skinny.  In fact, they looked like Tom Sawyer and Injun Joe.

Finally, someone who looked like a policeman accompanied by a kid in a red and blue sweater, with jeans and Reeboks.  He had neatly combed brown hair and half-glasses, stopped them and dragged them away in chains.  Man, they looked like the Brown men.  But it couldn’t be.  “Abby,” I said to her.  “The adventure has just begun.”

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