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July 20, 2010 / milesandhisfavorites

Educational Universe: Bad Quacks

A normal day in the Educational Universe is really fun.  There’s so much to do!  My normal agenda for the day?  After basic morning activities, like brushing my teeth, eating breakfast, preparing for the day, I head to the Dinosaur Train station in Lakewood.  The first thing I often do is go to Pteranodon Terrace, home of the Pteranodon family, to visit Buddy.  He’s a young T-Rex.  We talk about new paleontological discoveries, experiments we’ve been conducting, stuff like that.  Then, an hour or so later, I head over to Sesame Street.  The show’s normally about to start, and sometimes I even get into it!  I do lunch with Gordon and Susan, then spend the rest of the afternoon hanging around with my friends.  Finally, I have dinner at home and desert at Hooper’s Store.  But today was not one of those days.

When I got to Sesame Street, everybody was in a huge panic.  I mean mass hysteria.  I mean boarding up the windows.  I mean the Fix-It-Shop being closed without a holiday excuse!  Alan filled me in.  Apparently, the famous scientist Professor Nucleus Von Fission had vanished right before he was to demonstrate his new Mutator Ray.  Here’s the funny thing-the Mutator Ray vanished, too!  The device was supposed to mutate any living thing into a mutant.  The living thing in question would increase drastically in size and become more powerful.  It makes you wonder why a guy on a kid’s show would invent something like that, and build a cheap robot instead.  But he had built it nonetheless, and both the inventor and the invention had pulled off a vanishing act.

There was only one witness around, and he wasn’t very helpful.  His name was James Bond Muppet, but for a super-cool spy guy, he wasn’t very bright.

James Bond Muppet

“It certainly happened while I was around,” he said.  “But I’ve been having some problems seeing lately.”  I was getting annoyed.  “Well,” I replied.  “Why don’t you just take off those silly glasses?”  He did, and suddenly he could see perfectly again.  Makes you wonder, huh?

But James Bond Muppet could hear, and he said he heard a laser blast and a shriek for help.  “I would have helped,” he said.  “But I couldn’t see!”  I told the officers from ABCD Blue to just let him go.  He wasn’t a good source of information, even if he WAS the only witness.  “Wait!” he said.  I sighed.  “What is it now?”  He told me that he also heard a faint combination of quacking and evil laughter.  The cops matched up the possible vocals.  It was either Ronald Duck or Bad Duck.  We all put our money on Bad Duck.  I volunteered to search for him.

I hired a private Dinosaur Train trip to take me to where I thought he was-Tickle Me Land.  Ever since the incident where I got sucked into the place, Dorothy has been generating a dream portal that can take the Dinosaur Train anywhere in the place.  The Zleog-Evad Mountains, as well as the Miterk Plains, were popular destinations.  Don’t ask me how they got those names, I don’t think I want to know.  Anyway, Nevkin Shlac City was the Brooklyn-like capital of Tickle Me Land, and that was where I went.  Everywhere I looked, Elmo replicas were working, playing or just plain old walking around.  I headed towards the warehouse district, where I thought Bad Duck would be hiding out.

What I found there was a giant ray gun and a thing that blasted purple beams, both of which looked evil.  Suddenly, a large duck wearing a black cowboy hat and a leather vest with flintlock pistols in the pockets jumped out from nowhere, and blasted an Elmo that had wandered inside with the giant ray gun.  A red beam of energy hit him, and he grew to the size of an elephant.  His eyes turned dark red, and he suddenly smashed aside a stack of crates.  Flattened produce went everywhere.  So this was the Mutator Ray.  Just then, I recognized the purple beam-blasting cannon.  It was Von Fission’s teleportation machine.  With it, anyone could travel anywhere in any dimension.  “Well,” said Bad Duck.  “Are you gonna surrender yet, or will we do this the hard way?”

As he said that, I saw a girl in a wheelchair hover in front of one of the warehouse windows.  It took me a moment to realize that two helicopter rotors were protruding from the armrests.  She was flying via wheelchair.  She pressed a button on one of the armrests, and a bubble shield covered the chair completely.  She flew through the window, smashing it and distracting Bad Duck.  She flipped a switch, and a giant boxing glove erupted from the headrest, destroying the Mutator Ray, and somehow reversing the effects of the mutant Elmo.  Then, she used a joystick to control the glove, and she smashed aside Bad Duck.  Unfortunately, while flying through the air, he turned on and aimed the teleportation machine at the girl in the wheelchair.  He fired.

That’s when I saw the setting on the machine-Anticational Universe, Dimension Z.  That was the negative Educational Universe, a very unhappy place.  The beam hit the girl, and she exploded in a blast of purple light.  “No!” I screamed, but it was too late.  When the dust cleared, she had disappeared, but in her place was Professor Nucleus Von Fission.  “Hello there,” he said in a German accent.  “What did I miss?”

I sadly returned to Sesame Street with a genius scientist and some awful memories.  Bad Duck had been trapped under a steel beam during the explosion, and we called in the ABCD Blue officers to arrest him.  Meanwhile, we had scoured the entire warehouse, as well as the surrounding area.  No sign of the girl in the wheelchair.  But one night, when I got home, I saw a letter on the kitchen table.  It read:

Dear Miles,

I suppose this is a surprise to you, getting a letter from a missing person, but I’m writing anyway.  You see, the Anitcational Universe is a sad place.  Cities and towns have been replaced with thick, dangerous jungles and volcanic mountain ranges, and all of the people are mad, and war-like.  But don’t worry.  I’ll find a way out.  In the meantime, why don’t you try finding someone I’ve tried to find for years now-here’s a hint-his name’s Jason.  And stop mourning my loss-I’m still around, you just haven’t found me yet.




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