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August 7, 2010 / milesandhisfavorites

Familia Crazia: I Don’t Day Care Part One

(scene is living room)

(toddlers, along with Eli and Miles, are running around like crazy)

(laugh track)

Eli: Remind me why you convinced me to open up a day care center!

Miles: We do not own the world, we merely borrow it from our children.

Eli: Hello?!  We’re children!

(laugh track)

Miles: So?  Toddlers are children-er!

(laugh track)

Miles: I need to get some fresh air.

Eli: Okay.  Just go through the mudroom door, and not the-

(Miles opens front door)

(toddlers run outside)

(laugh track)

Miles And Eli: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(theme song)

(laugh track)

(scene is bookstore)

(Miles enters, talking into walkie-talkie)

Miles: ToddlerTrap208 to DooDum5, status report.

(laugh track)

(Eli is on other walkie-talkie)

Eli: Why do I have to be DooDum5?

(laugh track)

Miles: Because the Toddler Trap was my idea!  Therefore, I own the patent, therefore, I own the rights to any and all media, merchandise and otherwise.

(laugh track)

Eli: Anyway, how does this trap work?

Miles: This bookstore has Story Time With Super How every Saturday, and we run the I Love Reading Day Care Center, so naturally, they’d be here.  Plus, I have homing devices.

(laugh track)

Eli: You put homing devices on a bunch of 4-year olds?

Miles: Not technically.  They each left with a small stuffed cartoon lion.  So…

Eli: You put the homing devices on the stuffed animals?

Miles: You betcha.

(toddlers come running in, Super How in pursuit)

(laugh track)

Super How: Gaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!  I’ll get you, my kiddies, and your stuffed lions, too!

(laugh track)

Miles: That sounds familiar.

(laugh track)

Eli: No time for that.  Right now, we need to apprehend those toddlers and bring them back.  So, once we have them in the capture zone, what’s the rest of the plan?

Miles: Didn’t exactly get to that part yet.

(laugh track)

Eli: You hold twenty patents, graduated from Todvard, and yet you can’t find a way to trap a dozen 4-year olds?!

(laugh track)

Miles: Don’t worry.  I’ve got a spur-of-the-moment idea.

Eli: Which is?

Miles: Where are you, currently?

Eli: The little kid’s section of the bookstore.

Miles: So am I.  What’s your ETA?

(Miles and Eli bump into each other without looking)

(laugh track)

Miles And Eli: ETA, about right now.

(laugh track)

Miles: Here’s the plan.  Once Super How runs out of stamina-

Eli: Don’t normal people say “energy”?

(laugh track)

Miles: I don’t care.  So, once Super How runs out of stamina, we jump the kids, making sure to have an angle of exactly 94.2 degrees, not 94. 1, 94.2, and then-

Eli: Or, we could pull that rope labeled Stage Curtain Drop!

(Eli pulls rope, curtains fall, trapping toddlers)

(laugh track)

Miles: Now you’re in some real hot water, kids!

Toddler #1 (offscreen): Yeah, right!  Take this!

(sandbag hits Miles and Eli)

(laugh track)

Toddler #1 (offscreen): To freedom, my fellow comrades!

(trapped toddlers crawl out from underneath curtain and run away)

(laugh track)

Miles: Oohhhh, my aching head.  What just happened?

Eli: What happened is that we got jumped by our clients, hit in the head with an out of place sandbag, and will now probably get seared with boiling oil!

(laugh track)

(boiling oil falls on Miles and Eli)

(laugh track)

Miles: Next time, if you don’t have anything non-painful to say, don’t say it!

Eli: Like runaway roller skates?

(Miles and Eli trip)

Miles: YES!

(laugh track)

Miles: Should we go kid-hunting again?

Eli: Should we, or must we?  That is the question.

(laugh track)



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