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August 10, 2010 / milesandhisfavorites

Familia Crazia: Mentally Disturbing Journey

(scene is railroad platform)

(family is waiting for train)

Miles: When will our train get here?

Mom: It all depends.

Miles: On what?

Mom: Our train getting here.

(laugh track)

(theme song)

Dad: Honestly, the service here is terrible!  I came here once and ordered a glass of soda!

Eli: When did you get it?

Dad: The service was that terrible!

(laugh track)

(conductor enters)

Conductor: I know what you’re saying about this place’s flaws, but we’ve improved our service by half since HE-

(glares at Dad)

(laugh track)

Conductor: -got so impatient over a simple glass of soda!

Dad: Can I have it now?

(laugh track)

Conductor: Sure!

(conductor punches Dad)

(laugh track)

Conductor: We’re so improved now, that you only have to wait a week for your train to arrive!

Everyone But Conductor: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(laugh track)

Miles: Surely there must be a faster way!

Conductor: Sure thing!  The handcar arrives in a few days.

(laugh track)

Miles: Mobile floor shocker, activate DNA scanner for foot sample 543875487543890543890534835689548.

(conductor gets shocked and passes out)

(laugh track)

Miles: What?  I panicked!  And by the way, I can get us to Ixmit City in an hour or two!  Turbo Handcar, arrive at programmed station 49, platform 2.

(metallic handcar speeds onto tracks)

(laugh track)

Dad: How DO you do it, Miles?

Miles: My old underground lab struck oil.  Therefore, I had enough funding to make five dozen of these!

(laugh track)

Miles: Of course, there were some problems.

Dad: Like what?

Miles: Like the fact that the lab was in an underwater cave.

(laugh track)

Miles: Anyway, the point is that if this thing works, we’ll be at Ixmit City Station in no time flat!

(scene is thick swamp)

(family is stranded atop half-sunk Turbo Handcar)

(laugh track)

Miles: Unless, of course, this thing doesn’t work!

(laugh track)

Mom: How did we get to the Everglades, anyway?

Miles: Those were the default settings.

(laugh track)

Eli: You put the biggest Indiana Jones cliche on Earth as default settings for the Jetsons’ handcar?!

(laugh track)

Miles: Well… maybe…. yeah.

Eli: Let me at him!

(Eli lunges at Miles)

Miles: Turbo Handcar, tilt in my favor.

(Turbo Handcar tilts, Eli falls into quicksand)

(laugh track)

Mom: Now can you get him back before the crocodiles eat him?

Dad: On the contrary, honey, alligators live here.

Miles: On the contrary, Dad, the Everglades are the only place where both alligators and crocodiles coexist!

(laugh track)

Mom: You correcting Dad’s correction.  That’s a new one.

(laugh track)

Dad: Now, can you get Eli and get us out of here before caimans eat us?

Miles: Caimans don’t live here, Dad.

(laugh track)

Miles: Turbo Handcar, take us to Ixmit City Station.

(Turbo Handcar sinks into quicksand, then jumps out and starts moving)

(laugh track)

(scene is railroad station)

(Turbo Handcar enters, family riding it)

Miles: What did I tell you?  Ixmit City Station, no problemo!

Eli: Except for, I don’t know, having to endure blood sucking leeches, nearly getting run over by a steam locomotive, and above all, starring in a Hollywood drama!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(laugh track)

Miles: But we didn’t get run over by the steam locomotive!

(laugh track)

(Turbo Handcar falls apart)

(laugh track)

Mom: If you ask me, you could have at least changed the default settings.

Miles: Already did.  Next stop, Mount Everest!  Turbo Handcar, activate!

Everyone But Miles: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(laugh track)

(Turbo Handcar rumbles away)

THE END

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