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December 8, 2010 / milesandhisfavorites

Kid Underground: We Warned You

Kids like me, we try to have fun in any way possible.  The only problem is, adults keep coming into our lives and warping them, MUTILATING them, for crying out loud.  That’s why the kids of the world built the Kid Underground.  It all started back in ancient Egypt.  The kids who were next in line to become pharaoh were constantly harassed about their new responsibilities, so they built a small underground cave to hide away in and play board games (they existed!).  Throughout history, kids expanded that cave into an underground world.  We upgraded the various caves and tunnels with the newest technology, and by the 1990s, we had the ultimate underground universe.  Kids could simply get a retina scan, enter, and have the time of their lives, away from adults.  Of course, sometimes we had a leak, and the adults tried to shut the Kid Underground down, but never like this.

It all started a few weeks ago.  I was going to the local playground.  It was absolutely massive, about five times the size of my house.  There were giant slides, 3-D spiderweb ropes, and all kinds of awesome stuff.  And kids were all over it.  There were fourth graders marching across rope bridges, dodging Nerf snipers that were fifteen feet away.  Nerdy-looking kids were suspended in the spiderweb ropes, adding stronger fibers or fixing the several rubber platforms that were used for standing.  Does that sound strange to you?  Well, not to us kids.  We were preparing.  Preparing for war.

Me and some other Kid Elite Agents (the highest rank of soldier) had gotten word the previous weekend that some adults were bribing their younger kids with money and toys to lead them to the Kid Underground.  Sure enough, there had been several security breaches in our Russian entrances.  They had been taken care of, but this was too close for comfort.  The Kid Council had declared a war against the adults, and any traitors who had leaked the entrances.  Now we were all in a frenzy, training new recruits and strengthening our defenses.  That’s when one of our scouts at the edge of the swing sets yodeled-our secret signal in case of an attack.  Sure enough, three phalanxes of adults wearing track suits and wielding toy crossbows were advancing.  And they were big toy crossbows.

General Mylord, head of the local playground fortress, stepped up to a tall tower at the head of the playground.  He took out a large megaphone and began to speak.  “Soldiers of the adult army,” he said calmly.  “You are now entering kid-dominated airspace.  You are being kindly asked to retreat.  Do you accept?”  In response, the adults loaded their crossbows and aimed them at the kids, now at attention.  “Lock shields!” Mylord screamed.  The kids at the head of the playground tapped their wristwatches, and they turned into giant bronze shields, each one ten feet wide and high.  They locked them, forming an impenetrable wall.  The adults fired, regardless of our defenses.  The battle had begun.

The first few waves of arrows bounced right off the shields, but by the fifth wave, the shield kids were getting tired.  One even nearly dozed off, but a quick shout got him back to reality.  Meanwhile, Nerf snipers were already firing at the adults, but the tracksuits must have been some kind of body armor, because the foam bullets were bouncing off quickly.  The last straw came when one of the adults tossed a timed spray can of Sleeper Gas-a substance already familiar to us-at the shield kids.  Thirty seconds later, the fifteen kids who were the only things between us and the adults, fell to the ground, snoring all the way.  The adults lost their formation, streaming onto the playground.

Everybody dropped their weapons and began to take the adults head-on.  I dove into a trio of adults, tearing into them, knocking them senseless.  Two adults climbed onto the spiderweb ropes, but the nerds got an idea.  They hit their ropes, causing a chain reaction that vibrated the adults into the mulch below, while playing Yankee Doodle.  Mylord screamed directions to the nearest Kid Underground entrance, and the kids followed them, while taking out an adult or two.  Just as we closed the last entrance, an adult suddenly jumped in.  Ten security kids swarmed him, dragging him off to the mind-erase chamber.  It was only a matter of time before the adults got to us, and we had to use that time wisely.

Perhaps I should describe the usual Kid Underground hallway.  It is, essentially, a metal cylinder.  There are artificial lights above us, retina scan-activated doors to various rooms, and paths to keep you balanced, but other than that, just a metal cylinder.  Despite there being the imminent threat of adult invasion, I decided to visit Tough Tops, a Beyblade fight club underneath Norway.  I visited the Coaster station.  Coasters are like trains, but do loops, corkscrews, and even double-cobra-hoopadoops!  I boarded the Coaster headed for Norway, and braced myself.

After about ten times of losing my voice, and twice losing my lunch, we finally stopped at Tough Tops.  I entered the small, run-down shack built into the side of the station.  I entered, and was immediately swept up into the five kids who were currently inhabiting it.  They were all crowded around a plastic chair, like they had at my school.  Two of the kids were watching some futuristic-looking tops spinning on the chair, circling each other and often crashing into each other as well.


Beyblade Tops And Launchers

Before we continue, let me explain Beyblade, since most of the adults are wracking their minds, thinking “What is Beyblade, anyway?”  Beyblade is a game where you take an arena (or any surface that will sustain two rapidly spinning tops) and launch two (or four at most) tops into it.  The tops will crash into each other, and will eventually stop spinning.  The last one still spinning (or inside the play area) wins.

That ought to do it.  Anyway, a boy named Yevani’s brown Rock Gasher was already causing his opponent’s Rock Aquario to flash it’s stickers.  I already knew why Yevani was winning.  Us kids practically have Beyblade down to a science.  Rock Gasher was equipped with Tip #32 Ultimos.  It caused Rock Gasher to move in a circular formation, with a burst of speed at the beginning.  Thanks to Tip #32 Ultimos, the move Vulture Murder was created.  Vulture Murder is a highly effective move, and is now respected in most Beyblade player circles.  That’s when Rock Aquario began to spin rapidly.  It kept spinning until it was a six foot tall, ten foot wide green cartoon tornado.  We evacuated Tough Tops, but then four adults with foam baseball bats rushed out of the shack.

The six of us jumped into the assault team, and just as we were pushing them back to the station, where there would be backup, one of them conked Yevani on the head-hard.  The player slumped to the ground, out cold.  One of the remaining kids launched their top, which then sprouted two long robotic arms.  One of the adults simply grabbed the arms by the elbows, but that was his mistake.  He was pulled off of the ground, and was sucked into another Beyblade tornado, this one only two feet wide but still the same height.  The top stopped spinning, and I picked it up.  Wandering inside the light purple plastic top was a tiny version of the adult.  The others ran scared.

A full alert was quickly spread throughout the Norway Kid Underground, then the whole network.  Kid soldiers were dispatched to adult hotspots, and became clearer than ever that we were at war.  Not a defense system fighting our battles.  A real, honest-to-goodness war.


One Comment

Leave a Comment
  1. Kurt Blumenau / Dec 9 2010 10:29 pm

    This is huge! I love it.
    But don’t forget the Familia Crazia update you promised a little while ago.

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