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December 10, 2010 / milesandhisfavorites

Familia Crazia: Family Wars

It was a bright and sunny day on Terrin Drive.  Miles was testing a ray gun that created miniature Shetland ponies.  Eli was attempting to launch a baseball through their next-door neighbors’ window.  Mom was making an exotic dish that looked like deep-fried octopus on a pan made of sourdough bread.  Dad was working on an invisible rocket propulsion system that could create flying bat monsters.  It was a pretty normal day for the family.  That’s when the Marcia girls showed up.

Mom and Dad were out of the house doing various chores when the two girls, Sophie (age eight) and Laura (age ten) knocked on the door.  Miles opened the door, but only a crack, since the boys were still suspicious of the neighbors who lived down the street.  “What is it?” he asked them.  “Oh, you know,” said Sophie, innocently.  “It’s just that you need to wash our windows, wax our floors, and prepare us a five-star continental breakfast.  Your mother gave us permission to boss you around and give you endless chores, all for us!”

Miles was shocked, partially because of his mother, partially because Sophie and Laura had the nerve to walk up to their door and demand that they do chores that the girls could easily (well, not on the last one) do themselves.  “Eli,” said Miles.  “Sic ’em!”  Miles opened the door the whole way, and Eli bounded out onto the front steps.  He collided with the two girls, attacking them viciously.  The three kids landed in a heap on the bottom step.  The girls’ clothes were torn and ruined, and they were covered in scratches and bruises.  The girls ran back home, crying and weeping.

When Mom and Dad came home, Miles and Eli had a few questions for them.  “Why did you tell those girls that they could boss us around?” shouted Eli.  “You’re paying the doctor’s bill, by the way.” said Miles.  Mom and Dad were bewildered, claiming that they had no idea why the girls would think that.  Dad vowed revenge at the Marcia family for thinking that they could take advantage of their sons, and Mom joined in.  Miles, however, was at the computer, typing up a written statement of war.

The family followed Miles down into his secret underground lab (aka, a very big basement) to prepare for the coming war.  Miles already had four Tron-themed outfits ready for combat.  The family suited up and prepared themselves for battle.  They met the Marcia family in their driveway.  Donald and Sally, the father and mother of Sophie and Laura, had donned matching military uniforms, as did their girls, so they looked like something out of a World War II training film.  Dad was waving a flag emblazoned with crossed ray guns beneath a pocket watch.  Donald and Sally held between them a banner that showed the Marcia family wearing green suits of armor.  Miles and Laura screamed at the same time, and the first battle of the Family Wars began.

Each member of each family charged their counterpart, and began to fight.  Donald got Dad in a tight headlock, but Dad used that hold as an advantage, flipping Donald and tossing him into a nearby trash can.  Mom and Sally were exchanging expertly timed judo moves, but neither could land a hit.  Eli and Sophie were going all at it, kicking and punching each other like never before.  And Miles and Laura were fighting each other with strategic hand-to-hand combat.  Finally, Eli noticed that Sophie wasn’t defending her head, like he was.  He took that chance and prepared for a move.  He occupied Sophie’s hands with a rapid attack of kicks, and then punched her in the face-HARD.  Sophie fell to the ground crying, and the rest of the Marcia family rushed to her aid.  They ran off, but the war wasn’t over yet.

Two days later, Mom and Dad woke up to the sound of tires screeching into their driveway.  They rushed to the window, only to see that the Marcia family had attached a small catapult onto their minivan.  They had loaded it with three basketball-sized water balloons, and that Donald had set up a small control panel near the gate, and was aiming the catapult right at the bedroom.  Just as he was about to fire, something that looked like a car-sized flying saucer hovered over the control panel and doused it with water.  Sparks flew in all directions, and Donald was lost in a small cloud of thick black smog.

Miles, dressed in his battle outfit, jumped from the flying saucer, hovered in midair, and withdrew a small laser gun.  He aimed it at the car and fired.  A blue laser blast erupted from the laser gun and hit the catapult.  The catapult flew into the air, hit the giant trampoline that advertised Trampoline World (a very successful trampoline store franchise), and bounded back, hitting (and destroying) the Marcia’s car.  Mom and Dad cheered, while the Marcia family screamed in hatred, wandering back to their house.

The Family Wars exploded (almost literally) a week later.  The family was becoming suspicious that the Marcia family were not attacking, and had Miles’s robots on guard duty 24/7.  They were going to attack the Marcia family themselves.  But right when they got in the car, Dad discovered that Sophie was hidden underneath the dashboard!  “Um, hi?” she said, attempting to sound innocent.  But the family wasn’t fooled.  Eli dove into Sophie’s hiding place.  The two fought for quite some time, when Sophie grabbed two essential wires, and threatened to connect them.

Right before she connected the wires, Miles’s special modifications on the car (which were two robotic arms with matching claws) grabbed Sophie, hurled her out the car window, and spanked her hard.  She ran away, crying.  That was the final straw.  Miles and Dad fixed up the wires and the family set out for the Marcia family house.  When they got there, the Marcia family was already prepared.  Laura and Sally were standing guard on the house, and through a set of high-powered binoculars, Eli saw that Donald and Sophie were in a small backyard fort, armed with matching Nerf guns with sharp-looking bullets.  Miles took out a spray canister, and doused the family with Stealth Spray, his newest invention.  Everybody instantly became invisible.  They worked up a quick plan, grabbed a case of miniature ice cannons, and split up.

Their plan was to take out the guards and storm the house, then take out the fort and it’s residents.  Miles and Dad snuck up on  Laura and Sally while Mom and Eli observed.  They got the signal when Laura and Sally’s heads became frozen in a block of ice.  The two girls fell to the ground, literally out cold.  Everybody knocked down the door, shattering it and setting off a homemade burglar alarm.  Mom froze it.  The family took the four wings of the house, and it was a big house.  Miles noticed four distinctly red panels in the kitchen floor, and tried something.  He stomped on each panel, and the words “Girls rule, boys drool” sounded, echoing throughout the house.  Sure enough, the panels slid away, revealing a seemingly endless chute.  Miles took a risk and jumped.

Several times during his fall, Miles had to shift chutes, avoiding crocodile ponds and a deep lake that housed what looked like a giant eel.  Finally, he landed in a giant, steel-plated lab.  Test tubes, giant microscopes, and scorched chunks of metal dotted the area.  In the middle was a massive centrifuge, holding red test tubes.  Inside were carbon copies of the Marcia family.  There must have been two dozen clones per family member.  That’s when Miles realized what was happening.  The Marcia family was planning a mass attack, and this was how they were going to do it.

After searching the lab, Miles found a pneumatic escape pod, and boarded it.  However, he found himself hurtling though a launch tube, right into the fort!  He pressed a button that opened the ceiling, and ejected from the escape pod.  He jumped into the fort, catching the attention of Donald and Sophie.  After a few quick blasts from his ice cannon, the two were frozen solid.  Then, he met the rest of the family, and told them about the plan.  Just then, the ice from Sally and Laura’s freezing wore off, and the two girls dashed into their house.  They grabbed small laser guns, and blasted the ice cannons into steaming piles of metallic sludge.  Miles grabbed a bo stick from the mantle, Dad and Eli grabbed a pair of tasers each, and Mom slipped on a pair of black leather gloves that had long, claw-like fingernails.  The families charged each other, and another battle began.

Given Sally and Laura’s age, the two were tougher to defeat.  The two already had the melt rays, but then they holstered them and took out large samurai-style swords.  Laura tackled Miles, but Eli yanked her off of him, zapping her with a light charge from the tasers.  Then Miles slapped Laura upside the head with the bo stick.  Laura went down hard, and Miles and Eli joined the fight against Sally.  After two zaps from each taser, ten deep scratches from the claw gloves, and fourteen whacks with the bo stick, Sally finally went down.  Just then, Donald and Sophie rushed in.  But the family had already vanished.

With the information Miles had gathered, and the estimation for the clone-growth time, the family had just enough time to secure the house and develop a secret weapon before the Marcia family came calling.  Three Donald clones destroyed the door, and so the final battle of the Family Wars began.  The rest of the clones followed, and so did the Marcias.  Miles took out his special ninja swords, and they began to spin around in his palms.  Automatically, two Sophie clones and possibly the real Sophie were almost hacked to pieces when they came close.  Miles took off the swords and grabbed a large-barreled laser gun.  “I’m not afraid to use this!” he shouted, then fired at anything in sight that moved.

After two hours of zapping Marcia family members and their clones, the family finally led the Marcia army outside into the backyard.  Miles made a Vulcan hand gesture at the family and they broke into an expertly timed river dance.  The real family members began to chuckle, then guffaw and fall over, laughing up a storm.  Finally, they landed on one foot.  There was a flash of light, and then the family was covered in bronze cylinders.  That’s when the ground started rumbling, and the Marcia family was doused by ten million square feet of water.

Here’s what happened-Miles had built a massive pocket of water underneath the backyard.  The river dance triggered the bronze shields, while also releasing the water.  Surprised by this turn of events, the Marica family retreated.  Eli stomped his foot and a small waterspout picked up the Marcias and tossed them like a catapult into San Juan, Puerto Rico, where they lived there for over twenty years before coming back to take revenge on the family.  But until then, the family had won the Family Wars.


One Comment

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  1. Kurt Blumenau / Dec 12 2010 11:41 pm

    I was a little let down that the ray gun that makes Shetland ponies didn’t figure into the denouement of this one.

    The expertly timed river dance was a dramatic masterstroke, however.
    I have read stories whose endings could be described as “deus ex machina;” but I had never yet encountered “deus ex river dance.”

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