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December 17, 2010 / milesandhisfavorites

Urban Jungle Chapter Five


“And now class, time for dissection” said the science teacher.  It was the monthly science lab dissection, and everyone was either screaming in terror or barfing into their frog containers.  It was terrifying, so terrifying in fact, that I blacked out in horror.  Everything went the color of blood.

I awoke in a strange place.  It was an obsidian mountain range, with a winding pass that looked like it couldn’t hold a three-pound hitchhiker.  At the top of the tallest mountain was a crumbling stone castle, with cartoonish turrets and a drawbridge you could hold the Super Bowl on.  I found a small tunnel through one of the mountains that lead through a massive cave system.  Once I got out, I noticed that I was in a strange chamber.

It was about the size of a baseball field, with stone walls that made the place look like Vincent Price’s man-cave.  Lining the walls were tanks of acidic-looking stuff.  And in the center was a gigantic set of Tesla Coils that crackled with electricity.  That’s when something very scary stepped out from the shadows.  It looked like a cartoon mad scientist, with the bushy mustache and the bald spot.  Apart from the fact that he had slimy blue skin, he looked perfectly normal.  He basically made a noise that sounded like a mechanical whine, and ran off down a long hallway.  I saw a trapdoor open in the floor of the room and the mad scientist emerged.  He gave another whine and disappeared into the caves.  But it wasn’t about me.

I heard a deep ribbit, and I turned to find a hideous monster standing right behind me.  It looked like a giant red-eyed tree frog, as big as an elephant.  I noticed it’s belly was split open, but nothing came out except some springy guts that hung there like a mobile.  It had two orange devil horns between it’s eyes, and it’s eyes were completely red, with a darker tint in the middle like pupils.  This was the revenge of the giant, evil, hideous dissection frog.  The ultimate nightmare.  It opened it’s mouth, and a seemingly endless tongue tried to grab me.

I ran into the mad science lab, dodging the giant red sponge-like tongue that was out to get me.  I finally jumped between the Tesla Coils, but the frog’s tongue caught onto one of them.  I heard some electric crackles and hums, and a loud thump.  I turned around ever so slowly to find that the frog monster was lying on the cobblestone floor.  It’s tongue gave off a light gray smoke, and it occasionally gave off a foot-long spark.  That’s when I heard a banging, and the trap door sprang open again.  This time, though, nothing came out.  I looked in and saw three strange creatures.  There were two boys and a girl.  The boys looked exactly like Edward from Twilight, but had small flaps of leather hanging down from their arms.  The girl bore a distinct resemblance to Morticia from The Addams Family (the movie version), but had giant bat wings connected to her shoulders.  They were vampires.

One of the boys slapped the opening, but a purple energy field appeared and gave him a slight electric shock.  He staggered back into an underground grotto that appeared to be connected to the trapdoor.  I remembered that vampires couldn’t cross the threshold without an invitation.  I guess the same thing goes for trapdoors.  I informed the vampires that I would never invite them in, and they started wailing and howling.  Just then, a window shone some sunlight right onto the trapdoor.  The girl screamed.  Her nose suddenly turned the color of Bondi Beach.  It turned into a skinny stream of sand, which grabbed the two boys by the neck.  Then, with a final shriek, the girl turned into a statue of sand, frozen in place.  The boys threatened me with curses, but then the sand statue turned into a big pile of sand.  The boys were tugged into the pile, and the whole thing vanished.  Everything went an eerie green.

I woke up to the scent of steel and blood.  Thinking I was still in the evil castle, I cried out for help.  Turns out I was face down in my dissection tray, my face covered with frog guts.  I was never so grossed out in my life.  I spat out a frog leg.



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