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September 11, 2011 / milesandhisfavorites

The Hensonian Magic Part Five: Wrath Of The Dragon King

Okay, here’s the thing: I’m having too much fun on The Hensonian Magic series, so I’m gonna sort of extend it.  Instead of ending the series on this fifth and ex-final episode, I’m going to create a second, hopefully longer series called Darkhands Rising, which is basically about our hero AFTER the Great Darkhand War.  The war may be over, but sometimes, Mildred’s gotta call our hero back to Dimension H (my pet name for the Muppet-filled universe) to keep the evil types at bay.  So, what can you expect to see from the new series?  New Muppets, probably some more well-known ones.  New places, like this weird medieval-meets-Skull Island kind of place that keeps coming back to me.  And of course, new adventure!  And now, the finale of The Hensonian Magic!  Enjoy!

Floating… rising… flying.  Hey, wait a second.  Flying?  I looked down, expecting to see the dimensional tunnel I had been traveling through for the last hour.  Instead, I saw a pair of old men playing pool.  I soared through the air-actually, it was a giant casino-and hit a slot machine, somehow setting off the jackpot.  A young lady with a rat’s nest of blonde hair shrieked and started shoveling coins into her pockets.  I got up, shook off most of the pain, and started running, before my mortal enemy arrived.  Too late.  I heard the sound of crushed wood and cue balls, along with the groans of senior citizen complaint.  Ultragorgon had arrived.

“Where is he?  How dare he evade me?”

I ducked behind a Pachinko machine, just barely avoiding a blast of lightning that would have otherwise fried me.  A second bolt of electricity turned my hiding place into dust and rust.  That was when I dashed down a few aisles of poker tables, getting a look at my surroundings as I went along.  I realized that this casino wasn’t just huge-it was literally endless.  I couldn’t see the walls, and there was no apparent exit.  This entire dimension was just one huge casino!  Blam!  A fireball nearly disintegrated me.  Time to stop thinking and start fleeing.

I ran down a few rows of Red Dog tables, and jumped behind a coffee bar.  The barista looked puzzled.

“What’re ya doin’ back here?  You don’t belong here!  Get out!”

That was when the cappuccino machine next to her exploded into a ball of flame.

“On second thought, you can stay as long as you like.  Want a biscotti?”

One of the barstools was uplifted by Ultragorgon’s T-rex-like arms, and was tossed at the barista.  She shrieked, and ran into a back door.  I followed her, down a fancy-looking hallway with red velvet carpeting and hotel rooms lining the walls.  Apparently, this place was a hotel AND casino.  The door to the hotel didn’t last long, as it was disintegrated by a flurry of sparks that came from Ultragorgon’s nostrils.  He roared and charged after me.

“You can’t hide forever!  Soon, I will destroy you!”

That’s when I felt a bulge in my pocket.  I reached in and pulled out the device that had teleported me and Ultragorgon to this place.  I pressed my thumb to the scanner, and within seconds, me and the cyborg dragon were tumbling through time and space again.  This time, it just took a couple of minutes until we landed in a sand dune.  I jumped up and started running immediately, taking in the huge desert that surrounded us.  I heard a clicking sound from behind me, and turned.  Bad move.

Behind me was the weirdest thing I had ever seen-and believe me, I had seen a lot of weird things.  The monster was, no exaggeration, the size of a school bus.  It was a glittering black scorpion, but with the head of a snarling lion with a mane of flame.  The beast lunged, causing me to jump to one side.  It got a mouthful of sand and grit, which seriously ticked it off.  I started running, but ran into Ultragorgon.

“I have you now, boy!”

Then, Ultragorgon noticed the scorpion monster.  Both of them snarled, and I ducked, which was a smart move, because the two lunged at each other.  I pressed my thumb to the scanner one more time, and we were off.  Ten seconds into the inter-dimensional journey, the transport device lit up like a neon sign.  The face of Count Von Count appeared in front of the lens.  The Count started talking in an urgent voice.

“Warning.  You have breached the two-person limit on this device’s operation system.  Prepare to be ejected from the time stream.  Please note that this may cause side effects such as internal pain, spontaneous combustion, and fusing.”

I barely had time to scream before I flew upwards and into a flash of blinding light.  Everything went black.

When I woke up, my first thought was that I was dead.  But I was lying on my back in the middle of a city street-which happened to look like something out of a disaster film-so I figured I was still alive.  I sat up and looked around.  I figured that I was in Muppet City, the world’s central hub, so if I found Brownstone Park, I could navigate more easily.  But I wasn’t anywhere near the park.  Instead, I was sitting in front of an enormous parking garage.  Oh, and the garage was on fire, too.  I stupidly ran in, just in case there was anybody inside that needed help.  There wasn’t anybody around, except a hulking shadow that slowly walked out of the smoke.

It was Ultragorgon.  Actually, it was three-fourths of Ultragorgon.  His legs and lower body had vanished, to be replaced by that of a huge scorpion’s.  Ah, so that was the third party inside the time stream.  Apparently, the scorpion monster and Ultragorgon had fused together, forming one immense being.  A being that wanted to brutally kill me.  So I did what any brave, rational hero would do when faced with his worst nightmare, fused with his worst nightmare from another dimension: I ran.

Ultragorgon roared, a bloodcurdling noise that rattled my bones.  He flapped his giant bat wings and lunged for me, halting in the sky.  Unfortunately for him, the garage roof wasn’t that high, so he only managed to shatter the ceiling.  The entire place was only seconds from collapsing.  Ultragorgon had managed to fly away, but I didn’t have wings.  That’s when I noticed that I was on fire, too.  I must have been fused with the scorpion beast’s mane.  I suddenly realized something-if all of those comics were true…. I ran to the edge of the garage, and jumped.  I braced myself for the collision with the ground, but I kept flying.  I grinned, and said “Flame on!”

I soared between a couple of skyscrapers, scanning the air for any sign of Ultragorgon.  Sure enough, he had landed on top of the roof of an apartment building.  I landed, catching his eye.  He sneered.

“If you want to keep yourself alive, you need to stop nosing into other people’s business.  Muppet City has been conquered, and my forces have just begun.  Soon, we will have taken New Fraggle City, and then the entire Labyrinth.  From there, the universe is ours!”

I ran to a small tin shack that was about a million years old.  The sign on the door caught my eye: DEFENSE STORAGE.  I opened the door, and grabbed a random weapon from the shelves of assorted death tools.  I found myself carrying a clear plastic Bunsonium-based laser rifle.  Perfect.  I aimed at Ultragorgon, and fired.  The concentrated laser bullet ricocheted off of the cyborg dragon’s hide, and hit one side of the roof, then the other.  They kept going back and forth, until the wall had been decimated.  However, the bullet kept going, cutting into the asphalt that made up the roof.  It was breaking apart.  Pretty soon, the side of the roof was going to come down.  Of course, Ultragorgon had wings, but that part was for later.  Ultragorgon breathed a ball of flames and launched it at me.  I plugged it full of laser bullets, hoping to counteract it, but to no avail.  Suddenly, the fireball stopped, just inches from my face.

I turned around, to see none other than Jareth.  Standing behind him was Mildred, Philo, Gunge, Kermit, and an entire company of felt people, all of whom were carrying Diamond Dart guns.  Mildred grinned.

“Lock ‘n load, boys.”

The soldiers obliged, and Ultragorgon growled.  A hailstorm of Diamond Darts slashed his wings into shreds.  The effect was gruesome, but necessary.  Mildred had noticed my plan, and had eliminated the only thing that could stop it.  Sure enough, half of the roof gave way.  Ultragorgon screamed with fury before he was knocked thirty stories to the ground.  I looked over the edge to see a combination of shredded circuit boards and wires, mixed with biological carnage.  Eww.  The wreckage started to glow, and then the remains of Ultragorgon exploded in a blast of light.  I noticed that I wasn’t on fire anymore, although an emerald cyclone had appeared behind me.  My clothes started to flap in the wind, and I was quickly almost engulfed in the cyclone.  Mildred’s eyes went wide.

“The transdimensional power from Ultragorgon’s demise is sucking you back to your own dimension!”

I was puzzled.

“I don’t exactly know what that means!”

“It means that you’ll be leaving us now!  But we can call you back here, if you like!  Just because Ultragorgon is dead, doesn’t mean that all Darkhands are!  Should we need you…”

“I’ll be there.”

The cyclone sucked me back through that oceanic time tunnel, and before I even knew what was happening, I was back in my room.  I staggered backwards, looking at the book.  Surely it was all a dream.  It was.  But the Kermit eye on the cover started to glow.  It definitely was NOT a dream.  My mom’s voice echoed up the stairs.

“Sam, honey?  Come downstairs.  It’s time to cut the cake.”

I grinned, remembering that it was still my birthday.

“Coming, mom!”


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