MAHF Top Ten: Bad Movies
We all know about B-movies. Those low-budget, god-awful films with bad acting and cheesy special effects (assuming the movie has special effects at all). And some of us have probably watched episodes of the hilarious TV show Mystery Science Theater 3000. But what are my top ten worst-ever films. Let’s have us a look!
#10. Muppets from Space. I really hate to put this one on the list, but there’s no getting away from the fact that it’s no masterpiece. Sure, I like any movie with Kermit. But that’s no excuse for having a wildly off-course plot and emphasizing on the wackiness (a trait that just might put the upcoming Muppet film at the bottom of the barrel). Still, I love the “Brick House” opening.
#9. Gamera. Who here doesn’t love Japanese monster (otherwise known as kaiju) movies? I certainly like them, but there’s a limit to everything, and Gamera pushes it. With a predictable plot, a very unlikable kid (If you’ve ever wondered why B-movies don’t have that many kids in them, watch this movie.), and the classic rubber suit fights toy boat gag, Gamera just isn’t that great,
#8. King Kong. Don’t worry-I haven’t put the first one, nor the third one, on this list. What I’m focusing on is the second one-the 1970s remake starring a bearded Jeff Bridges, who you may (actually, you definitely know) recognize from True Grit or the special effects epic Tron. I’m not commenting on the acting, which is okay, or the bizarre twist where Kong climbs the Twin Towers. But I do have a few problems with this movie. First, unlike the other two films, we only see one other monster from Skull Island-a giant snake, which is not enough to hold my interest. Second, Kong is stop-motion, which looks kind of weird. Other than that, the somewhat fresh plot is welcome, and this one isn’t actually that bad after all.
#7. The Horror of Party Beach. How can I miss this one? Think of it as Beach Party Bingo meets Creature From the Black Lagoon, and make it thirty times worse. The premise is this: toxic chemicals resurrect some undersea skeletons, and turns them into stupid-looking fish-men with heads the size of taxi cabs. The ripoff beasts then proceed to attack and kill a teenage girl, a living room full of teenage girls, and a bunch of other people. But what is the only way to stop these horrible creatures? Believe it or not, the solution is sodium, otherwise known as salt. No, you may not get your money back.
#6. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Time to get one thing straight here-no this is not a film where Kris Kringle mounts an invasion to the Red Planet. Instead, it’s a very badly written story about a group of Martians who venture to Earth, seeking to kidnap Santa Claus and end a planetwide case of child depression. If you’ve ever wanted a reason to shake your fist at the sky and curse the heavens, this movie is the perfect excuse.
#5. Manhunt in Space. Ah, the magnificent genre of science fiction. A place where you can fly spaceships, fight moon monsters, and rescue a tentacled damsel. Unfortunately, all of those gorgeous visions are shot down and trashed by Manhunt in Space, a movie about a couple of guys named Rocky and Winkie (yes, you heard that right) who investigate missing cargo spaceships in the area of the planet Casa Seven. The bad special effects are this: two-dimensional rockets that move at the speed of slugs, an invisibility device with the odd name of Cold Light, and of course, the actors only pretend to turn a hatch. Wow, that’s desperation in a nutshell.
#4. Crash of Moons. It’s rare that you find a sequel to a B-movie, but believe it or not, they did do a follow-up to the aforementioned stinker Manhunt in Space. The premise: Rocky and Winkie attempt to save a space station that’s about to be destroyed by an orbital disaster, caused by-you guessed it-a pair of moons. Continuing with the slug-ship trend, and adding new awfulness, Crash of Moons was one of many films on this list to be riffed into oblivion on MST3K. That makes my only salvation from the awfulness Crow’s Hindenburg joke.
#3. Plan 9 From Outer Space. In case you’re wondering why this is number one, you obviously haven’t seen the final two. But this classic Z-movie is highly regarded as the worst movie ever made. With a guy pretending to be Bela Lugosi, who had a role but died before the film was made, and unbelievably fake-looking spacecraft, Plan 9 From Outer Space is god-awful, no challenge. But wait, we have two more to do. Gah!
#2. Lost Continent. By the time you’re a third of the way into the movie, you’ll already be screaming for help. And quite frankly, who wouldn’t? Despite starring Cesar Romero, this movie is in no way an award-winner. Quite the opposite, actually. And who wouldn’t with this plot? Seeking to recover a crashed rocket, a team of military men crashes their plane on a lush, tropical island. What ensues is your stereotypical tribe people, cameos by dinosaurs that makes The Lost World look like Jurassic Park, but mostly, lots and lots of-rock climbing. And not dramatic, heart-pounding rock climbing. Just rock climbing. As Tom Servo put it: “You know, even rock climbing movies don’t have this much rock climbing.” The only merit this film has is killing off the least likeable character-he’s gored by a Triceratops.
And number one of MAHF Top Ten: Bad Movies is this sick, horrendous feature, known as…
#1. The Horrors of Spider Island. The premise couldn’t be worse: a plane full of go-go dancers, along with their supposedly handsome manager, crashes into the ocean and manage to wash ashore on a deserted island, a far cry from Lost Continent‘s prehistoric jungles. But there’s a catch-the island is inhabited by a grand total of one medium-sized spider, whose bite turns the manager into a monster that isn’t really very spider-like at all. And so, the dancers are stranded on an island for a little less than a month, until they meet up with a pair of sailors, and have a beach party! Reviewer say whaat?! Yep, that’s right, folks. The Horrors of Spider Island places personal drama above what this movie desperately needs-some action.
And that ends our discussion about mediocre movies! Man, I need to go lie down. The badness of these films is really getting to me.