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April 29, 2012 / milesandhisfavorites

MAHF Top Five: Not-So-Evil Villains

Yes, I know, this isn’t top ten, but let’s mix it up a little!

In cinema history, there have been good villains, bad villains, and villains that aren’t in any way evil.  Why don’t we pay tribute to these folks by showing off the top five of them, along with their weird motives, useless plots, and lack of character development!  This is MAHF Top Five: Not-So-Evil Villains!

#5. Lady Tremaine, from Cinderella.  The Nostalgia Critic placed the wicked stepmother as his number three Disney villain, but take a look at her character.  Sure, she has a creepy stare, and locked Cinderella in the attic, but her motive?  She wants her daughters to marry the prince.  All she wants is parental pride.  She’s like a real-life Amy Chua, basically, only Amy was more evil.  Still, that stare is pretty freaky:

#4. Cruella de Vil, from 101 Dalmatians.  This is another character whose motives aren’t that evil.  She’s classy on the outside, but in the movie, she’s mostly a psychotic puppy-killer.  But why is she so mean?  She wants a fur coat.  That’s right-she wants a fur coat.  I mean, come on, you could buy that anywhere!  But NO, she wants a dalmatian fur coat!  Though maybe Cruella’s a crime lord or something.  That would make her a lot more evil.

#3. Mr. Evarard Maltravers, from The Legend of the Titanic.  This is one of the worst animated films ever made, and it shows.  While it’s based on the Titanic, there’s a giant octopus who actually saves the ship and everyone aboard, talking… well, everything!  And of course, the villain-a whaler who uses a gang of criminal sharks (I’m not kidding here) to sink the ship and hide his nefarious plans!  Of course, he has to marry the leading lady, Elizabeth (not Rose, but she might as well be), and FOR GOD’S SAKE WHO THE HECK MADE THIS THING?  Talking sharks?  A giant octopus named Tentacles who saves the Titanic, thus ripping apart the fabric of world history itself?  It’s actually hard to watch!

#2. Dr. Evil, from the Austin Powers movies.  God, I hate these movies.  They’re crude, annoying, and the villain isn’t even evil!  Yes, I know, the movies are supposed to be a satire of the spy genre, but Enchanted was a satire of Disney princess movies and their villain could at least turn into a dragon!  This guy really isn’t evil at all.  He wants to be evil, but he fails horribly.  If you’re going to blast yourself into space, at least choose a form of escape pod that doesn’t look like a Big Boy statue!  If you’re going to demonstrate your moon laser, at least use a computer simulation instead of a clip from Independence Day!  On the bright side, if he’s going to be a satire, the satire is at least pushed to the very limits of comedy.

And the least bad of the bad, the most horribly wimpy of the horrible, is:

#1. Nicholae Carpathia, from the Left Behind movies.  The Left Behind movies are based on the Christian idea of the Rapture.  Nicholae is, predictably, the Antichrist.  And while a satanic mastermind is kinda cool, this guy’s plans are so wildly impossible that it makes him look completely non-evil!  He looks sort of diabolical:

His name is kind of evil-sounding, and even his accent is an okay example of subtle villainy!  He could even be a Bond villain, but his plans completely ruin him.  To fully understand his scheme, you have to understand that the guys who made Left Behind effectively bend/destroy global politics.  Nicholae wants to A) assume control of the United Nations, B) get ten people to rule over ten large plots of land that include most of the U.S., Australia, and Argentina, which would be impossible in real life, and C) turn every person on Earth against religion.  If the United Nations was an unstoppable force completely independent from the world, this plan could work.  But the UN isn’t.  And thus, Nicholae’s plans have no possibility of working, making him less evil than any villain I’ve ever seen!

And that’s the admittedly short Top Five list of not-so-evil villains!  Am I going to get backlash for putting two of the most notorious Disney villains of all time here?  Maybe, but that’s all in the life of a writer!

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